Thursday, 10 May 2012

If my body is a temple it’s a jumping castle full of marshmallows and caffeinated beverages

Ok, you caught me. I know that I can’t run, or hide, or even lie. You’ve seen through my act, and figured out my secret. So I’m just gonna come clean.

I have had too much caffeine.


I thought I could handle it. I thought one more coffee would be ok. And, so help me, I thought it’d get me through the afternoon and make a long shift just that tiny bit more bearable.

It started with one cup of English Breakfast tea. Such an innocent drink. So warm and delicious, and like a hug for your tummy. I mean, it’s all British and respectable and full of wholesome goodness, right? Ok, so I’m not sure of the nutritional value of English Breakfast tea, but darn it tastes good.

In fact, it was crazy good, but it barely hit the sides. So I figured I deserved another one. I had an early start, you know, and it’s just so cold in the mornings now. So what harm would one more cup do?

Not that much, fortunately. Just warm loveliness.



I should probably mention at this point that I’m rather sensitive to caffeine. I mean, one cup of something caffeinated and I’m ok. Two, and I’ll still be ok, but pushing my luck. Three and I’m BUZZING. I can’t even look at one of those energy drinks, cos I’m pretty sure my heart would buzz right out of my chest. Not a pretty sight, people.

But today I thought I’d had a long enough break between my early morning tea and a lunchtime coffee. I wasn’t buzzy, I was rather sluggish and tired, and I still had 7 hours of my shift to go. So, hey, why not have a cup of deliciousness, made especially for me by a work friend who has rather angelic milk-frothing skills?

Mmm, creamy.

But I...well...misjudged, shall we say? I overestimated by body’s capacity for caffeine and bypassed pleasantly buzzy, heading straight for caffeine overload.

Oh god I am SO never having coffee again ever why the hell did I think I could handle this my god it was good do you think I could have another one ugh what are you thinking and why do you not bring your decaf coffee from home stupid free work coffee being so delicious and made in a shiny shiny espresso machine I need some more water cos I finished this whole giant bottle trying to water down the caffeine buzz I hope I’m not dehydrated but if I am it’s totally worth it cos that coffee was sooooo gooooooooood OOH LOOK IT'S A BUNNY!

Do you see why I shouldn’t over-caffeinate?

I’m so ashamed. I promised myself this wouldn’t happen again. I promised the dentist that I’d cut back on the teeth-stainy evils and carbonated caffeinated beverages. I promised the decaf coffee and tea industries that I would continue to support them so that cafes would stop charging extra for decaf.

Ok, that last one’s a lie, but seriously, why do they do that? I bet it’s a conspiracy to encourage caffeine addictions in our society. Or it could just be that they throw out a lot of stale decaf coffee beans due to lack of sales and add a surcharge to compensate.

Nah. Screw logic. Let’s go with the conspiracy one, it’s much more fun.

Darnit. Where was I? Oh, yeah, BEING OVER-CAFFEINATED.

I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I know that you all know me as being very sane and sensible and rule-abiding. I'm usually your regular Danny Tanner, but, you know, messier and without the slacks or the ugly jumpers. But too much caffeine and my head's a full house.

I know I have to face the consequences of my actions, including the terrible pun in the above paragraph, so I accept my punishment of no more tea or coffee or unnamed cola beverages for the remainder of the day.


Now...I know I have some chocolate around here somewhere...

***Credit to the Moose for the Danny Tanner analogy; oh Moosey, you crack me up!***


  1. Next time you really want some caffeinated coffee - try half strength!! All the coffee goodness with just half the buzz, might be better for you ;-)
    Plus, tea has a LOT less caffeine than coffee so no wonder you overloaded!!!
    I'm an energy-drink fiend myself - dont even get a buzz anymore.......

  2. It's all about kwarfeee (say it out loud, it's the best way to utter the word). I have become so reliant on it to get started at work... I'm completely useless without it!

  3. Yes, it is my reliance on caffeine at work that got me into this situation in the first place...sigh...I think I'll keep the half-strength idea in mind next time! Or just stick to my beloved tea, and remember to stock my bag with decaf goodness